LongShot
09-06-2006, 04:06 PM
Figured you would get this one Chris.
"Must Knoweth" -- 29 Rules For Living In Jacksonville ('Jax')
1. You are either a 'Gator or a 'Nole. (That's University of Florida "Gators" or Florida State University "Seminoles.") There are no other schools. If you abstain, you will be assigned a team. It's better to learn that sooner than later.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. No one pays attention to them here. Merging, yielding, and right-of-way are completely foreign terms.
3. To find anything, you must know where the Regency Square area of Jacksonville is. It is the Alpha and the Omega: the beginning and the end.
4. Directions to anywhere may, and usually do, make a reference to "the Old Pic and Save."
5. The morning rush hour is from 6 am to 10 am. The evening rush hour is from 3 pm to 7 pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6. If you actually stop on a yellow signal light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
7. East Road meets West Road on Beach Blvd., but they both run North and South.
8. Normandy Blvd., State Road 228, Cecil Field Road, Maxville Road, and Post Street are all the same road.
9. On the Southeast side of town, Hartley Road, Shad Road and Hood Road are all the same road.
Hartley Road is the Western part of the road; Shad Road is the Eastern part of the road. Now don't be confused about this Hood Road -- this is the West-East part that is between Hartley and Shad Roads, not the North-South part that starts out as Old Kings Road South, changes into Hood Road South and ends at Losco Road. Got it?
10. Construction is a permanent fixture in Jax. Those temporary divider-barrels and cones are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
11. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as: deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, single shoes, opossums, truck re-tread tire pieces, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and crows. Or the vultures feeding on any roadkill.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on State Road 202, locally known as 'J. Turner Butler Blvd.,' is 75 MPH. Anything less is considered downright sissy, regardless of what's posted. This is Jacksonville's version of NASCAR.
13. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.
14. If you are in the left lane (the 'fast lane'), and are only going 70 MPH in a posted 55 MPH zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped-off" accordingly.
15. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.
16. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving Day must be next weekend.
17. There are really only two seasons here each year: Summer and January.
18. There is actually a Westside high school that has a Confederate Battle Flag as its school flag, an image of a slave plantation owner as its mascot, and 'Dixie' as it's school song. Just accept it. Please don't make a fuss about it, for your own safety.
19. The Ponte Vedra area is to the Middleburg area as the ocean-front is to a double-wide.
20. If you choose to live in Orange Park, or, God forbid, Middleburg, plan to leave for work at 4 am and return home around 11 pm. Otherwise, you may get caught in what can only be described as "the world's longest left-turn lane."
21. Don't get to Jacksonville late and expect something to eat. After 9 pm, your choices are Famous Amos, Village Inn, and Krystals.
22. You can buy a million-dollar condo downtown on the river, but you have to drive 10 miles for a loaf of bread and you never leave home after dark.
23. 'The Landing,' downtown on the North side of the St. Johns River, is an interesting place. Every time you visit, there will be a whole new set of restaurants, fewer stores, and less parking. However, 'Hooters' is a permanent fixture.
24. All City Council decisions must be signed off on by the First Baptist Church.
25. North Phillips Highway. Don't go there. Ever. Unless, of course, you are looking for motels that charge by the hour.
26. Learn all of the lyrics to every Lynyrd Skynyrd song. Trust me on this one.
27. If you like southern-style barbeque, you've come to the right place. There's a restaurant on every corner. But, they all close at 9 pm.
28. Convenience stores are literally EVERYWHERE, unless you live in a million-dollar condo downtown.
29. No matter where you want to go, you can't get there from where you are ... in other words, you can't get there from here.
"Must Knoweth" -- 29 Rules For Living In Jacksonville ('Jax')
1. You are either a 'Gator or a 'Nole. (That's University of Florida "Gators" or Florida State University "Seminoles.") There are no other schools. If you abstain, you will be assigned a team. It's better to learn that sooner than later.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. No one pays attention to them here. Merging, yielding, and right-of-way are completely foreign terms.
3. To find anything, you must know where the Regency Square area of Jacksonville is. It is the Alpha and the Omega: the beginning and the end.
4. Directions to anywhere may, and usually do, make a reference to "the Old Pic and Save."
5. The morning rush hour is from 6 am to 10 am. The evening rush hour is from 3 pm to 7 pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6. If you actually stop on a yellow signal light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
7. East Road meets West Road on Beach Blvd., but they both run North and South.
8. Normandy Blvd., State Road 228, Cecil Field Road, Maxville Road, and Post Street are all the same road.
9. On the Southeast side of town, Hartley Road, Shad Road and Hood Road are all the same road.
Hartley Road is the Western part of the road; Shad Road is the Eastern part of the road. Now don't be confused about this Hood Road -- this is the West-East part that is between Hartley and Shad Roads, not the North-South part that starts out as Old Kings Road South, changes into Hood Road South and ends at Losco Road. Got it?
10. Construction is a permanent fixture in Jax. Those temporary divider-barrels and cones are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
11. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as: deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, single shoes, opossums, truck re-tread tire pieces, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and crows. Or the vultures feeding on any roadkill.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on State Road 202, locally known as 'J. Turner Butler Blvd.,' is 75 MPH. Anything less is considered downright sissy, regardless of what's posted. This is Jacksonville's version of NASCAR.
13. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.
14. If you are in the left lane (the 'fast lane'), and are only going 70 MPH in a posted 55 MPH zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped-off" accordingly.
15. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.
16. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving Day must be next weekend.
17. There are really only two seasons here each year: Summer and January.
18. There is actually a Westside high school that has a Confederate Battle Flag as its school flag, an image of a slave plantation owner as its mascot, and 'Dixie' as it's school song. Just accept it. Please don't make a fuss about it, for your own safety.
19. The Ponte Vedra area is to the Middleburg area as the ocean-front is to a double-wide.
20. If you choose to live in Orange Park, or, God forbid, Middleburg, plan to leave for work at 4 am and return home around 11 pm. Otherwise, you may get caught in what can only be described as "the world's longest left-turn lane."
21. Don't get to Jacksonville late and expect something to eat. After 9 pm, your choices are Famous Amos, Village Inn, and Krystals.
22. You can buy a million-dollar condo downtown on the river, but you have to drive 10 miles for a loaf of bread and you never leave home after dark.
23. 'The Landing,' downtown on the North side of the St. Johns River, is an interesting place. Every time you visit, there will be a whole new set of restaurants, fewer stores, and less parking. However, 'Hooters' is a permanent fixture.
24. All City Council decisions must be signed off on by the First Baptist Church.
25. North Phillips Highway. Don't go there. Ever. Unless, of course, you are looking for motels that charge by the hour.
26. Learn all of the lyrics to every Lynyrd Skynyrd song. Trust me on this one.
27. If you like southern-style barbeque, you've come to the right place. There's a restaurant on every corner. But, they all close at 9 pm.
28. Convenience stores are literally EVERYWHERE, unless you live in a million-dollar condo downtown.
29. No matter where you want to go, you can't get there from where you are ... in other words, you can't get there from here.