verticalfrank
02-02-2005, 01:54 PM
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the
passengers in his car."
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
3) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY,
and they meet at the bar.
4) The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house.
5) If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man
on base.
6) Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or
girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two
weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day
before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp.
7) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
"Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
8) A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
9) Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my
God.... I could be eating a slow learner.
10) I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and
the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go
west."
11) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.
12) Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography.
13) My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty, and that's the law.
14) Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file
line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in
that? What, do tall people burn slower?
15) Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.
16) Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a
member of Congress... But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain
17) Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan.
18) Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
place.
19) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I
never would've thought of that!"
20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad
Cow Disease" was taken.
died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the
passengers in his car."
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and
you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin
bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
3) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY,
and they meet at the bar.
4) The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house.
5) If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man
on base.
6) Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or
girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two
weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day
before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp.
7) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
"Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
8) A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
9) Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my
God.... I could be eating a slow learner.
10) I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and
the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go
west."
11) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.
12) Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography.
13) My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty, and that's the law.
14) Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file
line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in
that? What, do tall people burn slower?
15) Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.
16) Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a
member of Congress... But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain
17) Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan.
18) Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
place.
19) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I
never would've thought of that!"
20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad
Cow Disease" was taken.