verticaljay
04-29-2005, 03:56 PM
So I had a great April fools this year. Let me outline what exactly happened.
I knew it was going to be a bad day, I woke up late and spilt coffee on my lap on the way to work. Great start that was, walking into work, workers on the floor look at me, and the following conversation ensues.
Employee: Did you know that they outlawed smoking in cars yesterday?
Jay: I know what day it is retard, now get back to work and stop slacking.
Apparently they frown on calling an employee a retard as I was lectured on "tactfulness" later the following week.
Sit down in the office I spend a few minutes checking emails and the various sites I check up on. The morning progresses to the point in which one of my on line auctions begins and I save my company 150k annually. Great this day is picking up and I have an appointment in the afternoon that will cut my Friday short, getting me out of the office at noon. Things are looking up!
Portland is about an hour from work so I start the journey with a smoke and soda. Cruising along I run into traffic, great, blue hair in front of me and no place to pass. Time to light up another smoke, burn a hole in the upholstery... great! This day sucks. After a bit of travel I get the opportunity to pass the blue hair, cool I cut him off just for driving 15 below the speed limit. Ok cut to the chase or else this is going to get long. I get into Windham, which is about 30 min from work; I get in the slow lane by accident and end up behind blue hair again. Speeding along and trying to get past him I fail to notice that he stopped at the first light that had immediately turned yellow. SLAMO rear end Mr. blue hair. FUCKING WONDERFUL.
Does anyone have a clue how hard it is to call work and tell your boss that you will not be making your meeting due to rear-ending someone on your way there? On April Fool's doesn't make it much easier
So I pry and tug at the bumper and get my truck running again, realizing that I most likely totaled blue hair's 95 lebaron convertible. Oh well, fuck it, there is nothing I can do now.
Heading to my brother's work (he is a painter at the local body shop) he laughs and says, don't worry jay, we have the parts you need to fix the damn thing up. Good thing I save parts knowing your going to wreck your car sooner or later (I have a history of hitting things, signs, 48 ft trailers, MOOSE you know the normal stuff). Brother starts small talk.
Bro: So what are you up to now
Jay: I don't know it's 2 I am going to go take a nap, it's been a long day
Bro: Jay, I swear you sleep more then a hibernating bear in a day
Jay: Yeah I know, but I need this one
Bro: Cool, we are working on Mike's bike tonight and you can work on yours if you want
Jay: Yeah I'll do that, call me when you start
Later in the evening I get the call to head over and start working on stuff, gather up my stuff and head over. I grab the usual 12 pack to drink for the next few hours while we are working. We usually don't finish up until late so 6 each wouldn't be to rough. We worked all night long finally finishing up mike's bike and sit around while the paint is drying enough to move. Then the moment that would forever set the chain of events into motion happened. My brother's assistant shows up with a 30 pack.
GREAT more beer, I could definitely use one (this is at 1 am). My brother and I dig in like a pack of hungry wolves on a fresh kill. The boys who showed up with the 30 pack are 20 years old and novice drinkers compared to the drunks my brother and I can be. We obviously finish 3/4 of the case between him and I. I looked up, holy shit it's 430 in the am, time to jet. Bro and I get into the Honda Del Sol (also known as the penis mobile). We begin our 10-mile journey home and the conversation starts off like this.
Bro: What way do you think is the best route
Jay: take the back road to the highway and then home jeeves
Bro: Your not going to like the back roads!
Jay: Fuck you! Take the back roads retard, you have beer on your breath
Bro: I'm telling you
Jay: Shut the fuck up and go!
For future reference Chris is my brother.
Chris is a great driver and I have rarely seen him fuck something up when driving, unless we are together. We begin the back road journey through the dark night on a winding road at 70 plus when the speed limit is 25. This is nothing out of the norm considering that there are many drunk stories involving him and I. He continues down the roads at this speed, sometimes the rear-end loses grip.
Jay: Dude slow down, your driving like an ass
Chris: You picked the road
Jay: God I hate you sometimes
Finally getting off the back roads and onto the on ramp for the highway Chris decides that hitting the on-ramp (about 3/4 of a full circle) at 90 would be pretty cool. Halfway into the circle the car spins out. Chris quickly corrects the car and jets onto the highway at 110.
Jay: Dude slow down you don't need to get pulled over
Chris: In a minute
Jay: SLOW DOWN
Chris: ok
Exiting the highway, I breathe a sigh of relief, almost home. Take a right Chris, that is the safest way home. We take the right and head to the next turn about .75 miles from the off ramp. As we approach the right turn we begin to speed up "great what is he going to do now", I think to myself. Chris gets to about 30, yanks the e-brake and swings the rear end around the corner.
Jay: You're a FUCKING MORON, CUT THE FUCKING SHIT AND GET US HOME
Chris (as he starts to slow down): Ok
The road we are on now is a winding road and Chris is driving normal for the first time in the hell ride that was the rest of the trip. This is the point where my inner monologue begins to kick in.
"Jay, what are you doing yelling at him, you never yelled at him before for doing stupid shit. Do you think your getting old? What happened to the days where you just don't give a shit about anything? You should let up on Chris and relax and enjoy a ride like this just like you did before. You know what, FUCK that, I can have some fun with this"
At this point we came to a stop sign, Chris takes off and gets to about 35.
I do something stupid to add to the fun of the ride home
The last thing that was said in the car:
Chris: (in a very calm tone) Way to go Jay, my car is on the roof
Jay: Sorry dude
Chris: Why did you have to pull the e-brake?
I knew it was going to be a bad day, I woke up late and spilt coffee on my lap on the way to work. Great start that was, walking into work, workers on the floor look at me, and the following conversation ensues.
Employee: Did you know that they outlawed smoking in cars yesterday?
Jay: I know what day it is retard, now get back to work and stop slacking.
Apparently they frown on calling an employee a retard as I was lectured on "tactfulness" later the following week.
Sit down in the office I spend a few minutes checking emails and the various sites I check up on. The morning progresses to the point in which one of my on line auctions begins and I save my company 150k annually. Great this day is picking up and I have an appointment in the afternoon that will cut my Friday short, getting me out of the office at noon. Things are looking up!
Portland is about an hour from work so I start the journey with a smoke and soda. Cruising along I run into traffic, great, blue hair in front of me and no place to pass. Time to light up another smoke, burn a hole in the upholstery... great! This day sucks. After a bit of travel I get the opportunity to pass the blue hair, cool I cut him off just for driving 15 below the speed limit. Ok cut to the chase or else this is going to get long. I get into Windham, which is about 30 min from work; I get in the slow lane by accident and end up behind blue hair again. Speeding along and trying to get past him I fail to notice that he stopped at the first light that had immediately turned yellow. SLAMO rear end Mr. blue hair. FUCKING WONDERFUL.
Does anyone have a clue how hard it is to call work and tell your boss that you will not be making your meeting due to rear-ending someone on your way there? On April Fool's doesn't make it much easier
So I pry and tug at the bumper and get my truck running again, realizing that I most likely totaled blue hair's 95 lebaron convertible. Oh well, fuck it, there is nothing I can do now.
Heading to my brother's work (he is a painter at the local body shop) he laughs and says, don't worry jay, we have the parts you need to fix the damn thing up. Good thing I save parts knowing your going to wreck your car sooner or later (I have a history of hitting things, signs, 48 ft trailers, MOOSE you know the normal stuff). Brother starts small talk.
Bro: So what are you up to now
Jay: I don't know it's 2 I am going to go take a nap, it's been a long day
Bro: Jay, I swear you sleep more then a hibernating bear in a day
Jay: Yeah I know, but I need this one
Bro: Cool, we are working on Mike's bike tonight and you can work on yours if you want
Jay: Yeah I'll do that, call me when you start
Later in the evening I get the call to head over and start working on stuff, gather up my stuff and head over. I grab the usual 12 pack to drink for the next few hours while we are working. We usually don't finish up until late so 6 each wouldn't be to rough. We worked all night long finally finishing up mike's bike and sit around while the paint is drying enough to move. Then the moment that would forever set the chain of events into motion happened. My brother's assistant shows up with a 30 pack.
GREAT more beer, I could definitely use one (this is at 1 am). My brother and I dig in like a pack of hungry wolves on a fresh kill. The boys who showed up with the 30 pack are 20 years old and novice drinkers compared to the drunks my brother and I can be. We obviously finish 3/4 of the case between him and I. I looked up, holy shit it's 430 in the am, time to jet. Bro and I get into the Honda Del Sol (also known as the penis mobile). We begin our 10-mile journey home and the conversation starts off like this.
Bro: What way do you think is the best route
Jay: take the back road to the highway and then home jeeves
Bro: Your not going to like the back roads!
Jay: Fuck you! Take the back roads retard, you have beer on your breath
Bro: I'm telling you
Jay: Shut the fuck up and go!
For future reference Chris is my brother.
Chris is a great driver and I have rarely seen him fuck something up when driving, unless we are together. We begin the back road journey through the dark night on a winding road at 70 plus when the speed limit is 25. This is nothing out of the norm considering that there are many drunk stories involving him and I. He continues down the roads at this speed, sometimes the rear-end loses grip.
Jay: Dude slow down, your driving like an ass
Chris: You picked the road
Jay: God I hate you sometimes
Finally getting off the back roads and onto the on ramp for the highway Chris decides that hitting the on-ramp (about 3/4 of a full circle) at 90 would be pretty cool. Halfway into the circle the car spins out. Chris quickly corrects the car and jets onto the highway at 110.
Jay: Dude slow down you don't need to get pulled over
Chris: In a minute
Jay: SLOW DOWN
Chris: ok
Exiting the highway, I breathe a sigh of relief, almost home. Take a right Chris, that is the safest way home. We take the right and head to the next turn about .75 miles from the off ramp. As we approach the right turn we begin to speed up "great what is he going to do now", I think to myself. Chris gets to about 30, yanks the e-brake and swings the rear end around the corner.
Jay: You're a FUCKING MORON, CUT THE FUCKING SHIT AND GET US HOME
Chris (as he starts to slow down): Ok
The road we are on now is a winding road and Chris is driving normal for the first time in the hell ride that was the rest of the trip. This is the point where my inner monologue begins to kick in.
"Jay, what are you doing yelling at him, you never yelled at him before for doing stupid shit. Do you think your getting old? What happened to the days where you just don't give a shit about anything? You should let up on Chris and relax and enjoy a ride like this just like you did before. You know what, FUCK that, I can have some fun with this"
At this point we came to a stop sign, Chris takes off and gets to about 35.
I do something stupid to add to the fun of the ride home
The last thing that was said in the car:
Chris: (in a very calm tone) Way to go Jay, my car is on the roof
Jay: Sorry dude
Chris: Why did you have to pull the e-brake?